I am a self-proclaimed expert in this area, so you can take this for what it is worth. But allow me to enlighten you on the intricacies of the fast-food restaurant model. I have worked at 2 such restaurants in my life, and I quickly noticed patterns that emerged at both. Every single one of these restaurants, whether they serve burgers, burritos, tacos, or chicken, has the same 5 types of workers. Now, you may not encounter all these workers on any given day when you go in to get your “heart attack in a bowl” but if you have the great fortune (or ill-fortune?) to work for one of these great establishments you are bound to run into them. In both restaurants that I worked in (I will not reveal these fine dining places for fear of retribution, but you can get burgers at one and pizzas at another, did I give away too much? I hope not, but Herman Cain was never my boss, so there is another little nugget of a hint to help you key in on the answer and thankfully I was allowed to have things my way at the other, shit, that might have actually been too good of a hint, but regardless, you should probably go back and read what was written before the beginning of the parentheses as you may have forgotten my lead in to this epic sentence, as I already have!) I worked with all types of characters and thankfully I encountered all 5 workers during my tenure at both.
Now, I see this as a glorious occurrence in my life. I have since worked with countless other workers and I can tell you that these 5 types keep reappearing in many different industries. But since my first job was in the fast-food industry, I would like to think that the attributes of the workers originated here. You may have been one of those lucky few silver-spoon-in-the-mouth-upon-birth babies, but I believe that most of my target audience has worked in some sort of a fast paced restaurant environment.
The five that I am going to discuss are not the only 5 types of employees that you will work beside or encounter running the cash register, but most employees I believe can fit into any of these molds. Honestly, I did have one planned for the original 5 but I felt that it may have been way to offensive. Now, for the following 5, I did not treat anyone special and each person could be equally offended if they fall into one of these categories, but that is not my problem. I like to think of myself as one of the top rate journalists out there (watch out Connie Chung, the young guns are making their move) so I will attempt to stick to the pure facts of the case (please note, I never majored in journalism and have actually struggled to write good crap in graduate school, honestly, I am not sure how I actually got accepted in the first place, I would like to think that my Catholic background had something to do with it). I am only going to report on what I have witnessed. So, obviously, there may be more to add to this list but I like the title and it worked well for another book, so ipso facto ergo yada yada yada I present to you:
The Five People You Meet in a Fast-Food Restaurant
1. The Content
This is a worker that has no intentions of moving up or down in the world. They are completely content on staying in their position until they retire. Sure, they may have the skill to move up to middle-management, upper management, or even ownership, but why? The motivation is spent elsewhere and they are fine with the money they make. I have respect for these people, because more often than not, they are very happy in life. I wish others could find this type of solace and peace in their life. I know of a few CEOs/Presidents/Managers that would have done well never going after the promotion (ahh, personal memories). Some people just suck at work after they get a promotion, so I applaud these people that understand there is more to life than succeeding in business.
2. The Intent
Alright, I was pretty nice with that first worker, but now it may get a little ugly. Remember that CEO/President/Manager that I referenced earlier? Yeah, these are the Intents. They think they are going to rule the world someday and for now, they are just biding their time until the opportunity arises. However, these idiots are barely qualified for their current job, and some deserve to be demoted or fired right now. I cannot stand these types of workers. All they ever talk about is how they are going to go back to school, get more training, take a class, or they just read some new self-help book and now they think they are qualified to discuss economics. But the fact is that they are not qualified to move up in the world; they deserve to stay right where they are at and let other people elevate. Often a quote from one of them will go something like this, “Yeah, I plan on opening my own store in the next couple of years, but with this down economy and the stock market crash of forever ago, I may have to wait a few more years” or “Yeah, the reason I am still working here is because…” Usually, you don’t have to wait for them to finish the sentence because it is likely a stupid reason.
These idiots are the first to blame their bad luck on everything but themselves. Is it unfortunate that their plans did not work out? Yeah, but if they could just be content with life, then maybe things will go smoother in the future.
3. The Passer-By
Now this is the person that will go places in life. They are not going to stay in this role for long so you better get to know them quick. In my experience, these have always been the people that are working part time and devoting the other half of their life to school, or another career. These people will do something with their lives and strive to move up in the world. They have both the motivation and the skill to do it. The Intents should look to these people for a model plan of how to succeed (however, I think they would just chalk the success up to luck). The Passer-Bys are gung-ho about trying new things and learning from others. In a few short months they will be onto some other adventure or new career. In this category, I would also place all the “starving artists” of the world (musicians, actors/actresses, etc.) because even though not all are going to succeed in their hopeful life path, at least they are giving it their all.
Also, these individuals understand that luck is rare but opportunities are constant. Even if they fail 99 times they will try again. I have had the opportunity to meet some of these individuals throughout my short life and I am glad to have had that opportunity. They piss excellence in the morning and drink success at night. These individuals are usually the first to fail and the first to rise back up. Hopefully, all of you out there reading this fall into the Passer-By category.
4. The Peaker
This one might get a little offensive as well for some people. The Peakers have hit the highest rung as far as the personal accomplishment ladder is concerned. Now, hopefully all the people that do peak are at the highest actual level of the business as possible (CEO, President, owner) but this is likely not the case. I met a guy that had peaked at the pizza restaurant I worked at, and even that job may have been a little too much for him. But the nice thing about these individuals is that they understand that they have peaked. They do not go for challenging promotions or volunteer their time for more than they can handle. I love working with these type of people, because you are either striving to top them or do not have to compete with them.
5. The Promoter
Last but not least, I present to you the Promoter. This individual (I have worked with 2 in my life) love the crap out of the business or restaurant they work for. A Promoter cook at McDonald’s will bash the shit out of Burger King. A Promoter cashier at Target would never be caught buying groceries at Wal-Mart. These individuals live and die for their respective company and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. Even if the CEO/President/Manager is running the organization into the ground, they will be there to back them 100%. In some cases, a Promoter is a good type of worker. If you own your own business you better be a promoter or if you are in line to take over then you should be as well. However, if you are so far down the totem pole that you when you Google your name and the business logo doesn’t appear on the first page of image results, then you should not be a Promoter! These individuals have a grossly twisted thought process about their status in the company and I encourage all the readers out there (hopefully someone is reading this, as it is already 5 pages on Microsoft Word and I still have some to write, and that may not seem long to someone like George R. R. Martin but it is to me) to never be a promoter (again, unless of course you own or are about to run the company)!
Now, I have given you the 5 people you will meet in a fast food restaurant, but remember that these 5 types of workers appear in every office around the world. You will never escape them and hopefully you are comfortable in your actual role in the business world. Can you guess which role I fall into?
Celebrating America this past week has been pretty fun. I have eaten tremendous amounts of grilled food and watched a ton of fireworks illuminate the sky. However, as with every holiday, one thing continues to piss me off like none other.
“Hey, try this!”
“O, did you have a chance to taste that yet?”
“O my gosh, I thought of you when I made this, I am sure you will love it!”
Okay, now, I am sure that many of you have heard these phrases uttered all too often on days like today. Your Aunt makes some new concoction that she is just dying to have everyone try, or you friend thinks that the beer he brewed in his own basement will somehow be better than the delicious American Beer that is already in your hands. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love to try new things, but I like to do it at my own pace and according to my own rules. Yes, I have rules for eating food, for example, I do not consider fruit worthy of being in a dessert (especially strawberries, the devil created that vile poison).
But let me get back to the point. The worst thing I have ever heard is the following:
“O it’s an acquired taste, it takes awhile before you get used to it!”
Screw that nonsense. Why should I sit through a thousand trials before something begins to taste good. No thanks, I will stick with the food and drink that tasted amazing the first time I tried it (thanks Hostess cupcakes, you have yet to fail me). There is a reason that I have not had a strawberry since the 3rd grade. It tasted like the most worst evilest venomous thing in the world. And guess what? I have not tasted one since. I am not going to acquire that taste. Yet people continue to think that things will change for me. Please, I beg you all to stop forcing people to acquire a taste. Just because you got hood-winked into forcing down some gross food, does not mean that I should have to suffer that same fate. No thanks, I will stick to the brownies, steaks, Cokes, and apples (yes, I threw in a fruit just so you don’t think I am some grossly unhealthy person, which I can be but that’s besides the point). You acquirers of taste, you keep you rice cakes, your home-brewed beer, and all other crap tasting food and drinks. Go ahead, you acquired it, so keep it for yourself and never make me try that crap.
I must say I am quite confused by the idea of fried vegetables: broccoli, cauliflower… Who are these people trying to kid? I will tell you who: no one. These little fried pieces of hell fail on all accounts. They don’t taste good. They arent healthy (oh and would you like some nacho cheese to dip those in?) Uh, no thank you. If I am going to kill myself slowly with fried foods I am going to at least enjoy the ride. When I see these on a menu I want to ask the waitress “You guys realize they have fried Twinkies now right? They’re wayyy better.” People try to say, “well, it’s better for you than a fried Twinkie.” Ok, first, name something that isn’t. Second, you know after you choke down a few pieces of cheesy fried green forest, you are just thinking, “Ugh, I wish I had a fried Twinkie to wash this down with. How did I think this would taste good?” Anyone who says they actually like the taste is a damned liar. And anyone who says it’s not too bad for you is a damned moron. My true opinion is that the ONLY appeal of vegetables is that they are healthy (if you got the same nutritional value from pizza and beer that we do vegetables, what do you think people would be eating?) Well, fried vegetables ruined the one thing vegetables had going for them. Whoever thought that wonderful idea up needs to realize it’s time to go ahead and throw in the towel here.
I enjoy messing with people. It is humorous and enjoyable. I like to play pranks or make jokes at other’s expense. Comedic timing is everything in order for a joke to be well appreciated. However, I have had my fair share of ill-timed jokes. I have had many of those “too soon” jokes that were definitely too soon. For example, I make fun of Michael Jackson any opportunity that I get, and his whole death did not and will never stop me from cashing in on jokes at his expense. I’m like a kid in a candy shop, and I have a hard time from holding myself back from a comment that is all too inappropriate for the situation. I see an opportunity and just want to pounce on it. With this, I feel that I have come up with the ultimate prank that will be remembered by my family and friends for many years to come.
It has to do with my future funeral (hopefully that is like 9 million years away!). I plan on being put in the casket with my eyes WIDE OPEN. That’s right, no closed eyes for this guy. Every funeral I have heard about always has the eyes of the dead closed. And I see no reason for this.
***Okay, I will let some biology nerd go check their textbook and find some reason why this would not work. I am thinking that perhaps the eyes would dry out and not have the lively, glassy feeling that we have all come to know and love in each other? But if you do have your bio book out, please do some fact checking for me (check chapter 7). If that is what truly happens, then I will just hire Ben Stein to stand next to my casket and pore some Clear Eyes liquid (how about that for free advertising?) in every so often to keep them in good shape.***
You finished checking? Good, I can continue now. So why do I want my eyes open? I want to freak people out, simple as that. I even want my eyes tilted so it looks as if I am looking at people out of the corner of my eye. They can then think to themselves as they pay their respects, “Is he still alive? Is this some big joke? When will he pop up and say ‘Gotcha ya’?”
It will be awesome and then when they put me in the ground for the final time, I hope that people are still wondering if I am still alive, “Did they just bury him alive? Wow, he is committed to that joke. Good for him.”
So there is my reasoning for being buried with my eyes open. It will be nothing more than a great big joke! Let me know if you have any weird plans to freak people out at your funeral, I would love to hear them. Maybe one of you will keep your hand in the air so all your friends can give you one last high-five? Maybe you will have an urn tucked under your arm? People will freak out over that one, thinking “What did he burn? Check for his legs, maybe he didn’t want to burn his whole body, Joe could never make up his mind.”
Old people have the good life. They can get away with pretty much anything I have decided. If an old guy lifts his leg and lets out a loud fart directed at his grandchild, the only thing anyone could say is, “Well, at least his bowels are still working.” If an old lady steals a movie from the video store, she may get a warning at best, but they will most likely just say “Aw, she doesn’t know any better. She’s just confused.” We all know they aren’t going to be around forever, so we feel the need to let a lot of stuff slide. They could say the meanest things about someone and all anyone could say is, “Oh don’t worry about it, he’s just a product of his generation.” But I am on to their little sympathy game. They do all these crazy things just to see how much they can get away with. If I were old enough to get away with stuff, I would obviously do some crazy and obnoxious things as well, no matter how crude they may be. I would be peeing on random things and taking whatever I pleased from people. ” Oh no, grandpa just has urinary incontinence and he forgets what is his and what isn’t.” So if you’re old and you’re reading this, I know what you’re up to. You aren’t fooling me. Enjoy easy street while it lasts.
On my usual trips through grocery stores, parks, and hallways I come by a very intriguing
phenomenon. Pennies are just laying in the corners of stores or even out in the open, right in front of everyone’s eyes. And I can’t help but feel sick every time a person passes one up. Sure, they may have simply not seen it, but I am sure if I put a dollar bill in the penny’s place they would at least take notice. I, myself, go beyond the call and pick up all the change that I can find. I make at least a quarter a week doing this practice. And I know that you can too!
(Insert here image of that Vince guy that sells stuff on TV or those old Uncle Sam posters (you know the one where he points at you?) and that is exactly what I look like right now, except without a headset on. It is at RadioShack being fixed right now, I spilled coffee on it ughhhh. Anyways, I digress…)
Money is money is money. Even though it is only a quarter, I make a profit every time. I wish people could understand this concept and join in on the adventure. It is fun and no doubt exhilarating. The best are when two people see the penny at the same time. Both want that penny, but it seems that neither are willing to take it. Neither wants to give the impression to the other that they are low enough that they feel the need to pick the penny up. The jackwagons are probably thinking to themselves, “Its face down for crying out loud, I would have bad luck the rest of the day. So I can’t possibly bend over to pick it up.” Idiots.
However, I encourage you to defy that stupid logic and pick up all those pennies. No one is above a penny. Be honest with yourself. You know you want that penny, so go ahead and take it. Honest Abe would be disappointed with you if you passed over it.
When God decided to flood the earth, He chose Noah to build an ark and take two of each animal and put them on the ark. But what happened to all of the creatures we often see in mythology and stories? Well, today is your lucky day because I believe I’ve stumbled upon the answer for many of them. What follows is a description of why each mythical being did not end up making the cut:
Unicorn – when they were making their way up to the ark, one ran into a tree and the horn pierced right through. Noah knew that this could be an issue on a boat in the middle of the endless ocean. Not to mention, seriously, you just run into a tree? Definitely not smart enough to be in the post-flood world. They were asked to leave.
Phoenix – Now, I did some research on this one and apparently only one can be alive at any given time. Didn’t really fit the whole “2 per species” rule. And, they are supposed to represent immortality… Noah and his natural curiosity wanted to test this theory.
Centaur – Half man, half horse… too confusing. Stay in Fantasia where you belong, weirdo.
Mermaid – This was her territory… Noah told them to swim for it.
Dragon – Much like sharp horns, Noah knew that a wooden ark was not the best condition for fire breathers. What if the damn thing coughed or sneezed?
Griffin – Are you kidding me?!? This ugly bitch was far too disturbing to bring into the new world.
Pegasus – Too damn proud of their wings. They would just fly too far from the boat only to tire out and fall to the water below. Why bother bringing them on at all?
Giraffe – Wait, they made the cut?… Huh…
Sirens – Okay, seriously, shut the hell UP! Far too annoying to listen too, and who knew how long they would be out at sea, no reason to add that soundtrack to the already horrible journey.
Cyclops – With only one eye, they weren’t really going to be good navigators. Also, they were cannibalistic, so Noah thought that might make things awkward.
Fairies – An elephant accidentally stepped on them on the way up the ramp to the ark. Oops. The fairies’ last act of revenge was to curse the elephant with a giant phallic nose.
Sphinx – A person can only listen to so many riddles before enough is enough. Plus, they were trying to give riddles to the other animals and not allowing passage to the ark without a correct answer. Noah wanted to be the sole decider of who made it onto the ark.
Minotaur – The moron got lost in the labyrinth. The flood didn’t wait for him.
Well, I hope this enlightens some. It is the only explanation that makes any sense. Most of these former creatures of the earth missed out on the ark due to their physical disabilities (there weren’t any laws passed yet to avoid these types of issues… and they were animals…) or their own douche-baggery, plain and simple. This brings up a good point. Noah was really the first to implement Charles Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” idea.
P.S. Just a side thought, Noah’s Ark had to be the worst possible time and place to be a third wheel…
I know you know them. I see at least one every day. They are the idiots that walk around thinking they are so fucking tough. Little did they know they were raised in $300,000 homes and the concept of “work” has somehow slipped past them for the last 15 or 30 years. It’s a shame too, because even the young kids are getting infected with this terrible disease. It is called being a toolbag (aka tool, douche, d-bag, or jackwagon).
Most of these toolbags have never been in a real fight but are always throwing around empty threats to anybody that will listen. I once saw a punk kid berate an old lady at the local supermarket. She didn’t even do anything wrong, she just happened to be walking at the pace of a turtle that day. Can you blame her though? She was 95 and had a walker.
Thankfully, these toolbags are easily spotted. Even their scent can give them away from 500 yards. So here is a list of items that I have compiled throughout my young life. These items on this list do not alone constitute a toolbag (although some can), but a combination of a few of these items can turn a preppy skinny kid into a world class toolbag. I have taken the time to separate them into a four star category.
One Star Toolbag Items: The following by themselves will not make a kid into a toolbag, but they are like a gateway drug to the heavy hitting stuff.
1. Jean shorts (more commonly referred to as jorts): I get it, all types of guys wear jean shorts, but unless you are a dad over thirty or ride horses for a living, please leave them on the rack at the department store. I suggest going with a khaki type of short or just pony up the extra few bucks and buy the fucking jean pants.
2. Pastel colored v-necks: These are mainly worn by the preppy kids out in suburbia, but they can be dangerous. If it’s not Easter weekend, you should never even consider wearing them. No girl is going to look at a guy and go “Wow, that dude sure knows how to rock the lilac!”
3. Moccasins: Simple, unless you are truly native to America, don’t wear them.
4. Spiked hair: Okay fonz; cool it with the hair gel. I get it; you want to make your hair into something it isn’t, well quit fucking trying. No self-respecting girl wants to date a guy with more product in their hair then they have.
5. The Bieber Flip: Alright, you may be asking yourself what the hell is the Bieber Flip? Well just watch one of Justin Bieber’s interviews and watch what he does with that hair. The little head shake he does to get the nonexistent hair out of his eyes. Yeah it’s stupid, quit doing it. Unless your banging every piece of ass in site and have Usher’s number on speed dial, it’s not cool.
Two Star Toolbag Items: A combination of one of these items with any of the above may qualify you as a toolbag, although you might be able to get away with it.
1. Diamond Earrings: Unless you are a basketball star or a rapper don’t even try to pull these off. Leave them to the women.
2. Backwards caps: You better be a catcher during a baseball game if you are trying to pull this off. I just want to smack people that wear their hats the wrong way, I am pretty sure the direction of your hat indicates the direction of your life.
3. Religious Necklaces: Don’t be that guy that rocks a St. Michael necklace but bangs as many women as possible. If you are truly religious you can wear them.
Three Star Toolbag Items: If it is not the 1990s anymore and you still decide to wear these, you have issues!
1. Shark-tooth necklaces: You did not kill the shark, stop taking credit for it. Might as well get a Pooka Shell necklace while you are at it.
2. Skinny Jeans: Nobody wants to see your bulge, and if you need skinny jeans to make it visible then you clearly are reaching for the stars bud.
3. Oversize Belt Buckles: Really?
Four Star Toolbag Items: These are the crème de la crème of toolbag accessories. Any of the following automatically make you a jackwagon.
1. Aviator Sunglasses: You are not a fighter pilot, so don’t wear them.
2. UFC Fight Night T-Shirts: You know the ones with Old English writing on them? Yeah, unless you actually fought in the match you should not be allowed to wear it.
3. Flat Billed Caps w/ Sticker: I do not understand this obsession; it is clearly past the 30 day return policy point, so just take the dang sticker off.
So that is the rundown of the toolbag items. The one star items alone will not make you a toolbag, so quit sweating if you just happen to be wearing moccasins today, telling people “No seriously I only wear them because of how comfortable they are.” If you have these items in your wardrobe you might want to reconsider wearing them ever again. The worst one I have ever seen came about 1 year ago. A kid was wearing Aviator sunglasses, diamond earrings, a UFC fight night t-shirt, a flat billed cap with the sticker still on, and a pair of jean shorts. Now I dubbed that a “5-tool Toolbag.”
I hope you enjoyed this list, and feel free to add to it if you want!