Monthly Archives: January 2012

Getting Away With Murder

Many a time in my short life I have had to pass gas.  Often at the expense of others or even myself, but as life goes on it becomes increasingly difficult to let one slip.  As a child, it is easy to get away with a little fluff here or there, because adults think it is funny and if it especially horrendous, no adult will ever accuse a little child.  But once young adults begin to enter corporate America they will soon realize that people may be offended my certain smells.  But do not worry yourselves gentlemen and the few women that have ever actually passed gas (I know, I believe it is a myth that women can actually toot, although I have seen it done before, but it was too awkward to even wrap my head around, therefore it probably never happened).  I digress. 

            Here is how people can get away with passing the dastardly deed at work, home, or just while shooting some hoops.  Like any professional athlete will tell you, practice is the key.  No man can just walk into a room and decide to let one go because he feels it will either be “silent” or the “non stink” kind (again also a myth).  Know your body and you will begin to know yourself.  Pay attention when you feel one coming, analyze its movements and the path it takes to get out.  Not all paths are the same.  Some come out like a bat out of hell, and others make their way through your body like an old man eating soup.  Once you begin to see patterns you can then determine when you can let one out and when you cannot.  If it is going to be silent, you are in the clear, even if it stinks like a dead hooker sucking on a man’s penis.  You can always blame the person next to you, or just play dumb and pretend like it never happened.  I often pretend like it has never happened, even when I can clearly smell them.  Also, for the sake of others take every precaution to do it alone without others around.  Even though this is supposed to help you out let out a little air, do us all a favor and aim away.

            Now, if you have to drop an explosion, there are very few ways around it.  You will stick out like the fat kid hovering around an empty jar of cookies.  You can explain all you want, but no one will ever believe it wasn’t you.  The best thing to do in this situation is to take ownership of the fart.  Be proud and claim it is as if you just won the Nobel Peace Prize ((hey Obama won one) (it could happen!) (just ask Milton Davis Jr.) (IMDB him if you are not sure) (and do not worry about the excessive amount of parentheses) (I think this is all mathematically correct at least)).  Now, if you are in a special case where it would be career-ending to claim it, you may have a few options.  You could try to cough extremely loud to cover up the back end, however I would avoid this if possible. Think of it as sensory overload.  You are trying to do too many things at once and your cheeks may not clench as tight as need be.  We all know the result of that; you will end up backing your way out of the boardroom acting as if it is perfectly normal to walk this way.  The next option is to blame it on a medical condition, however you will probably end up participating in a 5-K run to cure the condition due to some over-zealous colleague that insists on registering a team (“Ohh don’t worry, I’ll cover the cost” is their usual excuse).  Finally, your last option is to just play dumb.  Just acting as if it never happened may be the hardest of them yet because everyone knows where the origination of the sound came from.  Immediately start pointing fingers and hopefully you can turn the group into a mob mentality and pick on the poor guy that everyone hates.

These are just a few options, and maybe you have mastered some techniques of your own.  So please feel free to share your trials (both successful and unsuccessful).  But remember this: know your body, become familiar with it and it will serve you well. 

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Parade of Excellence

Remember the awesome 4th of July parades that we all attended as youngsters? We were little kids running around trying to scrape up as much candy goodness as possible. We all knew which floats to avoid and which ones to follow down the road. But the best part of it all was that we learned a little thing called strategy early on in our short lives. So here is a little list of parade etiquette and strategy points:

1. Never be caught dead sitting on your mom or dad’s shoulders. Are you kidding me? Those were the idiotic kids that ended up with all the Honey-Os during clean up. Sure you got a great point of view of the parade and could see forever down the street as to what was upcoming, but in reality you were just a kid being used at that point. I remember I used to post up near those kids on their parent’s shoulders just so I knew what was coming down the line. They would provide some great intel and I would promise that they could play with my Mega-Zords next time I invited them over (knowing full well they were never laying a finger on my Power Rangers). For example, they may tell me that for the next 2 blocks all that was upcoming were a couple of high-school bands. I knew, right then, that I could high-tail it up the street and follow the float of old ladies. I don’t know who they represented, but they always had some A+ candy in those little sacks of theirs.

2. Stand with a cute girl. For some reason, all the float people loved the cute little girls. It may have been due to a pedophile thing, but whatever, it’s called sacrifice at this point. Who knew that this was the first form of pimping that people engaged in (am I right?). The odds are in the girl’s favor that nothing bad is going to happen to them once those men get off the floats. Also, women love the cute little girls because it probably reminded them of a time when they were younger (some bullshit like that I suppose).

3. If neither of the above are options, always position yourself next to the fat kid. They were the ultimate candy whores. First off, you always saved your energy and did not have to chase after floats. Fat kids will do everything in their power to remain still at all times. Secondly, I think all those people on the floats felt sorry for them. Literally, they would just dump gobs of candy at these kids. And it was always of the best quality (Snickers, Reeses, Milk Duds) and none of the crap (Almond Joys, no thanks I’d rather scratch my ass and sniff my fingers). And the best part of it all was that they could never get to the candy in time. Those stumpy little legs of theirs only allowed them to get what was in their immediate area. Words of caution to all the little tykes out there though, if you are going to take advantage of the fat kid, never enter their invisible bubble. You will lose a finger and the very least be bit by them. They usually do not have the decency to take the wrappers off first. Just go for the pieces that are just out of reach and you should be fine. Now if you follow all these suggestions, there is no stopping you! You will be the envy of the neighborhood.

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The Amazing Power of Two-Packs

Something I’ve been giving a lot of thought about recently is the amazing ability that a two-pack can have on a person. For instance, when you buy a two-pack of toothpaste, you always have that brief moment of panic when you’ve squeezed all you can from the tube and your mouth tastes like you may have somehow ingested a fart recently. But wait! There’s still hope! You open your cabinet and there it is… A fresh new tube ready to extinguish all the germs from your disgusting mouth. This type of momentous occasion is applicable to many different products and situations. And this gives you a chance to make some additions to your current supply.
Multi-packs are a different story.With multi-packs we tend to get jaded and overconfident. “Is this the last toilet paper roll? Of course not!I bought a freaking 30 pack; I’m sure I still have a months w… Oh no…”.
If we got 2-packs it wouldn’t be an issue. There’s a reason God had Noah only put 2 of each animal on the ark, and it’s not the reason you’re thinking. Get your mind out of the gutter. He could have filled the ark with all males and built the females from their ribs if he wanted to.He may not have even needed that template by then; He could just make them appear into thin air. Come on, He created the universe in 7 days. Making a new rat shouldn’t be a stretch for Him. The real reason for the pairs is that if one falls from the boat and drowns He has a little time before He needs to make a new one, and it may be necessary to reconsider if that animal is ready for the new, post-flood world. Maybe He wants to make some upgrades to his current selection of animals. This was a test, a sort of try-out for the animals to prove their worth. If one fell off the boat it could probably use some added intelligence and balance. Maybe some animals weren’t worth the trouble (but more on that in a future post). He really has no need to keep house cats around anyway. They don’t do anything but eat, sleep, and annoy people. But the point is that He has the time to think about things like this. This is the reason that 2-packs are so important to the world. We need to have more things come in the coveted dual-packs. Right here and now I am starting a (fake) petition to make 2-packs of everything: shirts, beds, waffle irons, whatever you can imagine.

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Moderate Safe Search: Off

I was a sheltered child growing up.  I once asked my mom what a virgin was, and she mumbled something and walked away.  She could not even look me in the eye.  It was as if she was trying to save my soul or something.  So you can imagine that as a kid in grade school I did not partake in the many “locker room talks” that my friends had.  They were always talking about what sweet piece of ass they met on the playground, or how they almost saw down some girl’s shirt as she took a drink from the water fountain.  They were proud of their near sexual escapades that probably resulted in nothing more than a chubby on their way home from school.

 

Yet I still tried to remain innocent, and that thought process scarred me for life one fine day in mid May near the end of my 7th grade year.  The “cool” kids were having their usual end of the year get-togethers, the ones I was never invited too.  I walked into the classroom one day as a girl (lets call her Slut 1) and a guy (Man Whore 2) were talking about some sweet party that Man Whore 2 threw over the weekend.  Here is the following that I picked up:

SG1: Yo, how did that partay go last weekend?

MW2:  Ehh it was alright, nothing much to speak of.  Just drank some ice-cold soda, I mean brewskies…

SG1: Yeah, well I heard it was a real sausage fest.

MW2: Haha you could say that.

 

Now here is where I jumped into the conversation.  The whole sausage fest immediately piqued my interest, even though I was more a fan of bacon at that stage in life though.  I jumped in with the perfect follow up question.

Me:  So were there like other breakfast foods at the festival, that sounds pretty fun?

MW2: Haha yeah funny Aaron, you obviously don’t understand.

 

And MW2 was right.  I had no clue what I was missing.  I mean who throws a party strictly with sausages?  You are missing out on all the other great breakfast items.  But I had to know what was so interesting about these types of festivals.  Immediately after I got home from school I hopped on the computer as my mom went upstairs to watch her soaps.  I knew I had at least 45 minutes until she came back down.  There was only one website that could solve this problem: GOOGLE.  And to be even more effective, I had to search the images.  A picture is worth a thousand words right?  And I really didn’t feel like reading too much into, just wanted to get the meaty details about these festivals.

Search:  Sausage Fest

Wait time:  .007 seconds

Hits:  3.2 million

Bam! Penises were all over the place.  I mean big ones, little ones, black ones, whites one, some that had a weird cover on them, hairy ones, bald ones, tattooed ones, pierced ones, and some that disappeared into a woman (had to research more about that problem later).  It was a frightening scene and it terrified me for life.  The internet is a powerful thing my friends, and I advise all of you too turn up those security settings so that the same thing does not happen to your sweet little innocent child.

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