I was a sheltered child growing up. I once asked my mom what a virgin was, and she mumbled something and walked away. She could not even look me in the eye. It was as if she was trying to save my soul or something. So you can imagine that as a kid in grade school I did not partake in the many “locker room talks” that my friends had. They were always talking about what sweet piece of ass they met on the playground, or how they almost saw down some girl’s shirt as she took a drink from the water fountain. They were proud of their near sexual escapades that probably resulted in nothing more than a chubby on their way home from school.
Yet I still tried to remain innocent, and that thought process scarred me for life one fine day in mid May near the end of my 7th grade year. The “cool” kids were having their usual end of the year get-togethers, the ones I was never invited too. I walked into the classroom one day as a girl (lets call her Slut 1) and a guy (Man Whore 2) were talking about some sweet party that Man Whore 2 threw over the weekend. Here is the following that I picked up:
SG1: Yo, how did that partay go last weekend?
MW2: Ehh it was alright, nothing much to speak of. Just drank some ice-cold soda, I mean brewskies…
SG1: Yeah, well I heard it was a real sausage fest.
MW2: Haha you could say that.
Now here is where I jumped into the conversation. The whole sausage fest immediately piqued my interest, even though I was more a fan of bacon at that stage in life though. I jumped in with the perfect follow up question.
Me: So were there like other breakfast foods at the festival, that sounds pretty fun?
MW2: Haha yeah funny Aaron, you obviously don’t understand.
And MW2 was right. I had no clue what I was missing. I mean who throws a party strictly with sausages? You are missing out on all the other great breakfast items. But I had to know what was so interesting about these types of festivals. Immediately after I got home from school I hopped on the computer as my mom went upstairs to watch her soaps. I knew I had at least 45 minutes until she came back down. There was only one website that could solve this problem: GOOGLE. And to be even more effective, I had to search the images. A picture is worth a thousand words right? And I really didn’t feel like reading too much into, just wanted to get the meaty details about these festivals.
Search: Sausage Fest
Wait time: .007 seconds
Hits: 3.2 million
Bam! Penises were all over the place. I mean big ones, little ones, black ones, whites one, some that had a weird cover on them, hairy ones, bald ones, tattooed ones, pierced ones, and some that disappeared into a woman (had to research more about that problem later). It was a frightening scene and it terrified me for life. The internet is a powerful thing my friends, and I advise all of you too turn up those security settings so that the same thing does not happen to your sweet little innocent child.