Parade of Excellence

Remember the awesome 4th of July parades that we all attended as youngsters? We were little kids running around trying to scrape up as much candy goodness as possible. We all knew which floats to avoid and which ones to follow down the road. But the best part of it all was that we learned a little thing called strategy early on in our short lives. So here is a little list of parade etiquette and strategy points:

1. Never be caught dead sitting on your mom or dad’s shoulders. Are you kidding me? Those were the idiotic kids that ended up with all the Honey-Os during clean up. Sure you got a great point of view of the parade and could see forever down the street as to what was upcoming, but in reality you were just a kid being used at that point. I remember I used to post up near those kids on their parent’s shoulders just so I knew what was coming down the line. They would provide some great intel and I would promise that they could play with my Mega-Zords next time I invited them over (knowing full well they were never laying a finger on my Power Rangers). For example, they may tell me that for the next 2 blocks all that was upcoming were a couple of high-school bands. I knew, right then, that I could high-tail it up the street and follow the float of old ladies. I don’t know who they represented, but they always had some A+ candy in those little sacks of theirs.

2. Stand with a cute girl. For some reason, all the float people loved the cute little girls. It may have been due to a pedophile thing, but whatever, it’s called sacrifice at this point. Who knew that this was the first form of pimping that people engaged in (am I right?). The odds are in the girl’s favor that nothing bad is going to happen to them once those men get off the floats. Also, women love the cute little girls because it probably reminded them of a time when they were younger (some bullshit like that I suppose).

3. If neither of the above are options, always position yourself next to the fat kid. They were the ultimate candy whores. First off, you always saved your energy and did not have to chase after floats. Fat kids will do everything in their power to remain still at all times. Secondly, I think all those people on the floats felt sorry for them. Literally, they would just dump gobs of candy at these kids. And it was always of the best quality (Snickers, Reeses, Milk Duds) and none of the crap (Almond Joys, no thanks I’d rather scratch my ass and sniff my fingers). And the best part of it all was that they could never get to the candy in time. Those stumpy little legs of theirs only allowed them to get what was in their immediate area. Words of caution to all the little tykes out there though, if you are going to take advantage of the fat kid, never enter their invisible bubble. You will lose a finger and the very least be bit by them. They usually do not have the decency to take the wrappers off first. Just go for the pieces that are just out of reach and you should be fine. Now if you follow all these suggestions, there is no stopping you! You will be the envy of the neighborhood.


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