Getting Away With Murder

Many a time in my short life I have had to pass gas.  Often at the expense of others or even myself, but as life goes on it becomes increasingly difficult to let one slip.  As a child, it is easy to get away with a little fluff here or there, because adults think it is funny and if it especially horrendous, no adult will ever accuse a little child.  But once young adults begin to enter corporate America they will soon realize that people may be offended my certain smells.  But do not worry yourselves gentlemen and the few women that have ever actually passed gas (I know, I believe it is a myth that women can actually toot, although I have seen it done before, but it was too awkward to even wrap my head around, therefore it probably never happened).  I digress. 

            Here is how people can get away with passing the dastardly deed at work, home, or just while shooting some hoops.  Like any professional athlete will tell you, practice is the key.  No man can just walk into a room and decide to let one go because he feels it will either be “silent” or the “non stink” kind (again also a myth).  Know your body and you will begin to know yourself.  Pay attention when you feel one coming, analyze its movements and the path it takes to get out.  Not all paths are the same.  Some come out like a bat out of hell, and others make their way through your body like an old man eating soup.  Once you begin to see patterns you can then determine when you can let one out and when you cannot.  If it is going to be silent, you are in the clear, even if it stinks like a dead hooker sucking on a man’s penis.  You can always blame the person next to you, or just play dumb and pretend like it never happened.  I often pretend like it has never happened, even when I can clearly smell them.  Also, for the sake of others take every precaution to do it alone without others around.  Even though this is supposed to help you out let out a little air, do us all a favor and aim away.

            Now, if you have to drop an explosion, there are very few ways around it.  You will stick out like the fat kid hovering around an empty jar of cookies.  You can explain all you want, but no one will ever believe it wasn’t you.  The best thing to do in this situation is to take ownership of the fart.  Be proud and claim it is as if you just won the Nobel Peace Prize ((hey Obama won one) (it could happen!) (just ask Milton Davis Jr.) (IMDB him if you are not sure) (and do not worry about the excessive amount of parentheses) (I think this is all mathematically correct at least)).  Now, if you are in a special case where it would be career-ending to claim it, you may have a few options.  You could try to cough extremely loud to cover up the back end, however I would avoid this if possible. Think of it as sensory overload.  You are trying to do too many things at once and your cheeks may not clench as tight as need be.  We all know the result of that; you will end up backing your way out of the boardroom acting as if it is perfectly normal to walk this way.  The next option is to blame it on a medical condition, however you will probably end up participating in a 5-K run to cure the condition due to some over-zealous colleague that insists on registering a team (“Ohh don’t worry, I’ll cover the cost” is their usual excuse).  Finally, your last option is to just play dumb.  Just acting as if it never happened may be the hardest of them yet because everyone knows where the origination of the sound came from.  Immediately start pointing fingers and hopefully you can turn the group into a mob mentality and pick on the poor guy that everyone hates.

These are just a few options, and maybe you have mastered some techniques of your own.  So please feel free to share your trials (both successful and unsuccessful).  But remember this: know your body, become familiar with it and it will serve you well. 

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1 Comment

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One response to “Getting Away With Murder

  1. JB

    I generally make my way to a corner of the room and stand there awkwardly until someone asks, “What are you doing?” Then I own it. “Trying to fart.” They think it’s so funny, that there is no longer any shame involved. If they never ask, they just think I’m a weirdy. I’m cool with that.

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