Monthly Archives: February 2012

A Sphincter’s Memoir

Who the fuck decided that it would be a great idea to make printed toilet paper? I mean, do the printed lines make the toilet paper more streamlined so that when people go to wipe their ass they will meet little wind resistance. If people are meeting a strong headwind down there then they better go see a doctor or make sure they haven’t mistaken a possible poop for nothing more than an airy fart. And what is up with these cute little shapes they are putting on them now? I just recently took a poop and used some TP that had little printed hearts on them. I’m pretty sure when I went to wipe my ass my anal sphincter wasn’t thinking, “Boy, I hope he’s got those cute hearts today, or else I’m not giving up this shit. It is way too hard to make these days.”
These companies are better off just making toilet paper that does nothing more than remove poop. I feel bad for those artists that were given the task of designing the poop-bound material. What did they do in art class to deserve this job? Did some recruiter take a look at their resume and think to themselves, “You know, he may not be fit for painting the windows at Burger King, but I think Charmin needs a new artist.” They should not feel honored. They better take a good look at themselves when they go home tonight. They did not benefit society in any way. It is a useless concept, and we should go back to the good old days of white toilet paper. We should be excited about 2-ply and not about the useless drawings that are headed into the darkest of all places: the anal sphincter.

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The Complexities of Changing the Toilet Paper

Changing the toilet paper roll when the current one is out has been a continual source of anxiety for a lot of people in our society today, including myself.  When running out of toilet paper, the first thought that comes to mind is “I really hope that isn’t the last of it.”  Then you think, “Damnit!  I knew I shouldn’t have gone out and TP’d crazy old Mr. McGee’s house last night, even though that jackass deserved it!”  Then it becomes a desperate attempt to locate a kleenex or napkin or something that can be a decent substitute.  It’s really quite horrifying and humiliating, regardless of whether you’re alone or not.  Anyway, for those of us lucky enough to actually find a roll, it is a hell of a lot of work.  First you have to pull the rod off, requiring a shift and tug motion simultaneously.  I don’t understand why there can’t just be a button to push like with everything else.  But then, you take the roll off, throw it in the trash, put the new roll on, struggle to get the damn thing to line up with the holes on either side of where the rod is supposed to go, and snap it back into place… all the while trying not to focus on the straggler hanging on for dear life underneath you.  Also, which way do you put the toilet paper on the rod?  Up and over or down and under?  People are so weird about the way they prefer their toilet paper, so you want to be able to please the most guests possible when making such a vital decision of bathroom etiquette.  I personally go for the up and over method because there’s no reason to put any more imagery of having to pull something out from underneath something else when you’re taking a fresh dump.  Such a simple bathroom product should not require so much stress and decision making.

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Exercise and Video Games

Video Games have become increasingly about more movement: motion sensitive controllers, electronic musical instruments, exercise games, and now video cameras to track your movements. I am here to tell you that this comes as an outrage to me. This push toward physical activity completely destroys the point of video games. When I sit down to play video games, I sit with the expectations of remaining in that position for the rest of the intense gaming session. Anyway, why the hell would I want to move when playing games? That is my relaxing time. Thumbs should be all the movement I need. If I really wanted a workout while I played video games I would run in place in front of the TV while I shoot bad-guys or send my Italian plumber through a series of drainage pipes or throw the touchdown pass (with the button, not my arm). The point is that we should leave exercise at the gym and not let it interfere with our important social (or in many cases, anti-social) and sloth-like endeavors. And sure, from time to time I may play these so-called “games”, but the term “video games” has a certain connotation to it. That connotation is “lazy, unhealthy fun time”. These new games should be called “I’m-too-lazy-to-go-to-the-gym-but-want-to-trick-myself-into-thinking-I-did-something-worthy-of-calling-a-workout” games. Don’t try to fool us by calling them video games, because they’re not.

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