A Sphincter’s Memoir

Who the fuck decided that it would be a great idea to make printed toilet paper? I mean, do the printed lines make the toilet paper more streamlined so that when people go to wipe their ass they will meet little wind resistance. If people are meeting a strong headwind down there then they better go see a doctor or make sure they haven’t mistaken a possible poop for nothing more than an airy fart. And what is up with these cute little shapes they are putting on them now? I just recently took a poop and used some TP that had little printed hearts on them. I’m pretty sure when I went to wipe my ass my anal sphincter wasn’t thinking, “Boy, I hope he’s got those cute hearts today, or else I’m not giving up this shit. It is way too hard to make these days.”
These companies are better off just making toilet paper that does nothing more than remove poop. I feel bad for those artists that were given the task of designing the poop-bound material. What did they do in art class to deserve this job? Did some recruiter take a look at their resume and think to themselves, “You know, he may not be fit for painting the windows at Burger King, but I think Charmin needs a new artist.” They should not feel honored. They better take a good look at themselves when they go home tonight. They did not benefit society in any way. It is a useless concept, and we should go back to the good old days of white toilet paper. We should be excited about 2-ply and not about the useless drawings that are headed into the darkest of all places: the anal sphincter.

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