Monthly Archives: May 2012

Old People

Old people have the good life.  They can get away with pretty much anything I have decided.  If an old guy lifts his leg and lets out a loud fart directed at his grandchild, the only thing anyone could say is, “Well, at least his bowels are still working.” If an old lady steals a movie from the video store, she may get a warning at best, but they will most likely just say “Aw, she doesn’t know any better. She’s just confused.”  We all know they aren’t going to be around forever, so we feel the need to let a lot of stuff slide.  They could say the meanest things about someone and all anyone could say is, “Oh don’t worry about it, he’s just a product of his generation.”  But I am on to their little sympathy game.  They do all these crazy things just to see how much they can get away with.  If I were old enough to get away with stuff, I would obviously do some crazy and obnoxious things as well, no matter how crude they may be.  I would be peeing on random things and taking whatever I pleased from people. ” Oh no, grandpa just has urinary incontinence and he forgets what is his and what isn’t.”  So if you’re old and you’re reading this, I know what you’re up to.  You aren’t fooling me.  Enjoy easy street while it lasts.

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Dishonest Abe

On my usual trips through grocery stores, parks, and hallways I come by a very intriguing
phenomenon. Pennies are just laying in the corners of stores or even out in the open, right in front of everyone’s eyes. And I can’t help but feel sick every time a person passes one up. Sure, they may have simply not seen it, but I am sure if I put a dollar bill in the penny’s place they would at least take notice. I, myself, go beyond the call and pick up all the change that I can find. I make at least a quarter a week doing this practice. And I know that you can too!

(Insert here image of that Vince guy that sells stuff on TV or those old Uncle Sam posters (you know the one where he points at you?) and that is exactly what I look like right now, except without a headset on. It is at RadioShack being fixed right now, I spilled coffee on it ughhhh. Anyways, I digress…)

Money is money is money. Even though it is only a quarter, I make a profit every time. I wish people could understand this concept and join in on the adventure. It is fun and no doubt exhilarating. The best are when two people see the penny at the same time. Both want that penny, but it seems that neither are willing to take it. Neither wants to give the impression to the other that they are low enough that they feel the need to pick the penny up. The jackwagons are probably thinking to themselves, “Its face down for crying out loud, I would have bad luck the rest of the day. So I can’t possibly bend over to pick it up.” Idiots.

However, I encourage you to defy that stupid logic and pick up all those pennies. No one is above a penny. Be honest with yourself. You know you want that penny, so go ahead and take it. Honest Abe would be disappointed with you if you passed over it.

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Mythical Creatures that Didn’t Make the Cut on Noah’s Ark

When God decided to flood the earth, He chose Noah to build an ark and take two of each animal and put them on the ark.  But what happened to all of the creatures we often see in mythology and stories?  Well, today is your lucky day because I believe I’ve stumbled upon the answer for many of them.  What follows is a description of why each mythical being did not end up making the cut:

Unicorn – when they were making their way up to the ark, one ran into a tree and the horn pierced right through.  Noah knew that this could be an issue on a boat in the middle of the endless ocean.  Not to mention, seriously, you just run into a tree?  Definitely not smart enough to be in the post-flood world.  They were asked to leave.

Phoenix – Now, I did some research on this one and apparently only one can be alive at any given time.  Didn’t really fit the whole “2 per species” rule.  And, they are supposed to represent immortality… Noah and his natural curiosity wanted to test this theory.

Centaur – Half man, half horse… too confusing.  Stay in Fantasia where you belong, weirdo.

Mermaid – This was her territory… Noah told them to swim for it.

Dragon – Much like sharp horns, Noah knew that a wooden ark was not the best condition for fire breathers.  What if the damn thing coughed or sneezed?

Griffin – Are you kidding me?!?  This ugly bitch was far too disturbing to bring into the new world.

Pegasus – Too damn proud of their wings.  They would just fly too far from the boat only to tire out and fall to the water below.  Why bother bringing them on at all?

Giraffe – Wait, they made the cut?… Huh…

Sirens – Okay, seriously, shut the hell UP!  Far too annoying to listen too, and who knew how long they would be out at sea, no reason to add that soundtrack to the already horrible journey.

Cyclops – With only one eye, they weren’t really going to be good navigators.  Also, they were cannibalistic, so Noah thought that might make things awkward.

Fairies – An elephant accidentally stepped on them on the way up the ramp to the ark.  Oops.  The fairies’ last act of revenge was to curse the elephant with a giant phallic nose.

Sphinx – A person can only listen to so many riddles before enough is enough.  Plus, they were trying to give riddles to the other animals and not allowing passage to the ark without a correct answer.  Noah wanted to be the sole decider of who made it onto the ark.

Minotaur – The moron got lost in the labyrinth.  The flood didn’t wait for him.

Well, I hope this enlightens some.  It is the only explanation that makes any sense.  Most of these former creatures of the earth missed out on the ark due to their physical disabilities (there weren’t any laws passed yet to avoid these types of issues… and they were animals…) or their own douche-baggery, plain and simple.  This brings up a good point.  Noah was really the first to implement Charles Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” idea.

P.S. Just a side thought, Noah’s Ark had to be the worst possible time and place to be a third wheel…

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A Toolkit for Toolbags

I know you know them.  I see at least one every day.  They are the idiots that walk around thinking they are so fucking tough.  Little did they know they were raised in $300,000 homes and the concept of “work” has somehow slipped past them for the last 15 or 30 years.  It’s a shame too, because even the young kids are getting infected with this terrible disease.  It is called being a toolbag (aka tool, douche, d-bag, or jackwagon).

 

Most of these toolbags have never been in a real fight but are always throwing around empty threats to anybody that will listen.  I once saw a punk kid berate an old lady at the local supermarket.  She didn’t even do anything wrong, she just happened to be walking at the pace of a turtle that day.  Can you blame her though?  She was 95 and had a walker.

 

Thankfully, these toolbags are easily spotted.  Even their scent can give them away from 500 yards.  So here is a list of items that I have compiled throughout my young life.  These items on this list do not alone constitute a toolbag (although some can), but a combination of a few of these items can turn a preppy skinny kid into a world class toolbag.  I have taken the time to separate them into a four star category.

 

One Star Toolbag Items: The following by themselves will not make a kid into a toolbag, but they are like a gateway drug to the heavy hitting stuff.

1.  Jean shorts (more commonly referred to as jorts): I get it, all types of guys wear jean shorts, but unless you are a dad over thirty or ride horses for a living, please leave them on the rack at the department store.  I suggest going with a khaki type of short or just pony up the extra few bucks and buy the fucking jean pants.

2.  Pastel colored v-necks: These are mainly worn by the preppy kids out in suburbia, but they can be dangerous.  If it’s not Easter weekend, you should never even consider wearing them.  No girl is going to look at a guy and go “Wow, that dude sure knows how to rock the lilac!”

3.  Moccasins: Simple, unless you are truly native to America, don’t wear them.

4. Spiked hair: Okay fonz; cool it with the hair gel.  I get it; you want to make your hair into something it isn’t, well quit fucking trying.  No self-respecting girl wants to date a guy with more product in their hair then they have.

5.  The Bieber Flip: Alright, you may be asking yourself what the hell is the Bieber Flip?  Well just watch one of Justin Bieber’s interviews and watch what he does with that hair.  The little head shake he does to get the nonexistent hair out of his eyes.  Yeah it’s stupid, quit doing it.  Unless your banging every piece of ass in site and have Usher’s number on speed dial, it’s not cool.

 

Two Star Toolbag Items:  A combination of one of these items with any of the above may qualify you as a toolbag, although you might be able to get away with it.

1. Diamond Earrings: Unless you are a basketball star or a rapper don’t even try to pull these off.  Leave them to the women.

2.  Backwards caps:  You better be a catcher during a baseball game if you are trying to pull this off.  I just want to smack people that wear their hats the wrong way, I am pretty sure the direction of your hat indicates the direction of your life.

3.  Religious Necklaces:  Don’t be that guy that rocks a St. Michael necklace but bangs as many women as possible.  If you are truly religious you can wear them.

 

Three Star Toolbag Items:  If it is not the 1990s anymore and you still decide to wear these, you have issues!

1.  Shark-tooth necklaces:  You did not kill the shark, stop taking credit for it.  Might as well get a Pooka Shell necklace while you are at it.

2. Skinny Jeans:  Nobody wants to see your bulge, and if you need skinny jeans to make it visible then you clearly are reaching for the stars bud.

3. Oversize Belt Buckles:  Really?

 

Four Star Toolbag Items:  These are the crème de la crème of toolbag accessories.  Any of the following automatically make you a jackwagon.

1.  Aviator Sunglasses: You are not a fighter pilot, so don’t wear them.

2.  UFC Fight Night T-Shirts:  You know the ones with Old English writing on them?  Yeah, unless you actually fought in the match you should not be allowed to wear it.

3.  Flat Billed Caps w/ Sticker:  I do not understand this obsession; it is clearly past the 30 day return policy point, so just take the dang sticker off.

 

So that is the rundown of the toolbag items.  The one star items alone will not make you a toolbag, so quit sweating if you just happen to be wearing moccasins today, telling people “No seriously I only wear them because of how comfortable they are.”  If you have these items in your wardrobe you might want to reconsider wearing them ever again.  The worst one I have ever seen came about 1 year ago.  A kid was wearing Aviator sunglasses, diamond earrings, a UFC fight night t-shirt, a flat billed cap with the sticker still on, and a pair of jean shorts.  Now I dubbed that a “5-tool Toolbag.”

I hope you enjoyed this list, and feel free to add to it if you want!

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