A Toolkit for Toolbags

I know you know them.  I see at least one every day.  They are the idiots that walk around thinking they are so fucking tough.  Little did they know they were raised in $300,000 homes and the concept of “work” has somehow slipped past them for the last 15 or 30 years.  It’s a shame too, because even the young kids are getting infected with this terrible disease.  It is called being a toolbag (aka tool, douche, d-bag, or jackwagon).

 

Most of these toolbags have never been in a real fight but are always throwing around empty threats to anybody that will listen.  I once saw a punk kid berate an old lady at the local supermarket.  She didn’t even do anything wrong, she just happened to be walking at the pace of a turtle that day.  Can you blame her though?  She was 95 and had a walker.

 

Thankfully, these toolbags are easily spotted.  Even their scent can give them away from 500 yards.  So here is a list of items that I have compiled throughout my young life.  These items on this list do not alone constitute a toolbag (although some can), but a combination of a few of these items can turn a preppy skinny kid into a world class toolbag.  I have taken the time to separate them into a four star category.

 

One Star Toolbag Items: The following by themselves will not make a kid into a toolbag, but they are like a gateway drug to the heavy hitting stuff.

1.  Jean shorts (more commonly referred to as jorts): I get it, all types of guys wear jean shorts, but unless you are a dad over thirty or ride horses for a living, please leave them on the rack at the department store.  I suggest going with a khaki type of short or just pony up the extra few bucks and buy the fucking jean pants.

2.  Pastel colored v-necks: These are mainly worn by the preppy kids out in suburbia, but they can be dangerous.  If it’s not Easter weekend, you should never even consider wearing them.  No girl is going to look at a guy and go “Wow, that dude sure knows how to rock the lilac!”

3.  Moccasins: Simple, unless you are truly native to America, don’t wear them.

4. Spiked hair: Okay fonz; cool it with the hair gel.  I get it; you want to make your hair into something it isn’t, well quit fucking trying.  No self-respecting girl wants to date a guy with more product in their hair then they have.

5.  The Bieber Flip: Alright, you may be asking yourself what the hell is the Bieber Flip?  Well just watch one of Justin Bieber’s interviews and watch what he does with that hair.  The little head shake he does to get the nonexistent hair out of his eyes.  Yeah it’s stupid, quit doing it.  Unless your banging every piece of ass in site and have Usher’s number on speed dial, it’s not cool.

 

Two Star Toolbag Items:  A combination of one of these items with any of the above may qualify you as a toolbag, although you might be able to get away with it.

1. Diamond Earrings: Unless you are a basketball star or a rapper don’t even try to pull these off.  Leave them to the women.

2.  Backwards caps:  You better be a catcher during a baseball game if you are trying to pull this off.  I just want to smack people that wear their hats the wrong way, I am pretty sure the direction of your hat indicates the direction of your life.

3.  Religious Necklaces:  Don’t be that guy that rocks a St. Michael necklace but bangs as many women as possible.  If you are truly religious you can wear them.

 

Three Star Toolbag Items:  If it is not the 1990s anymore and you still decide to wear these, you have issues!

1.  Shark-tooth necklaces:  You did not kill the shark, stop taking credit for it.  Might as well get a Pooka Shell necklace while you are at it.

2. Skinny Jeans:  Nobody wants to see your bulge, and if you need skinny jeans to make it visible then you clearly are reaching for the stars bud.

3. Oversize Belt Buckles:  Really?

 

Four Star Toolbag Items:  These are the crème de la crème of toolbag accessories.  Any of the following automatically make you a jackwagon.

1.  Aviator Sunglasses: You are not a fighter pilot, so don’t wear them.

2.  UFC Fight Night T-Shirts:  You know the ones with Old English writing on them?  Yeah, unless you actually fought in the match you should not be allowed to wear it.

3.  Flat Billed Caps w/ Sticker:  I do not understand this obsession; it is clearly past the 30 day return policy point, so just take the dang sticker off.

 

So that is the rundown of the toolbag items.  The one star items alone will not make you a toolbag, so quit sweating if you just happen to be wearing moccasins today, telling people “No seriously I only wear them because of how comfortable they are.”  If you have these items in your wardrobe you might want to reconsider wearing them ever again.  The worst one I have ever seen came about 1 year ago.  A kid was wearing Aviator sunglasses, diamond earrings, a UFC fight night t-shirt, a flat billed cap with the sticker still on, and a pair of jean shorts.  Now I dubbed that a “5-tool Toolbag.”

I hope you enjoyed this list, and feel free to add to it if you want!

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2 Comments

Filed under humor, Thoughts

2 responses to “A Toolkit for Toolbags

  1. Anthony

    Anyone that wears Affliction or Ed Hardy T-shirts!

  2. JB

    I actually like most V-necks, aviators, and gelled hair… but I know guys who wear the other stuff and look sort of tooly… I think it’s also about how they carry themselves!

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