Mythical Creatures that Didn’t Make the Cut on Noah’s Ark

When God decided to flood the earth, He chose Noah to build an ark and take two of each animal and put them on the ark.  But what happened to all of the creatures we often see in mythology and stories?  Well, today is your lucky day because I believe I’ve stumbled upon the answer for many of them.  What follows is a description of why each mythical being did not end up making the cut:

Unicorn – when they were making their way up to the ark, one ran into a tree and the horn pierced right through.  Noah knew that this could be an issue on a boat in the middle of the endless ocean.  Not to mention, seriously, you just run into a tree?  Definitely not smart enough to be in the post-flood world.  They were asked to leave.

Phoenix – Now, I did some research on this one and apparently only one can be alive at any given time.  Didn’t really fit the whole “2 per species” rule.  And, they are supposed to represent immortality… Noah and his natural curiosity wanted to test this theory.

Centaur – Half man, half horse… too confusing.  Stay in Fantasia where you belong, weirdo.

Mermaid – This was her territory… Noah told them to swim for it.

Dragon – Much like sharp horns, Noah knew that a wooden ark was not the best condition for fire breathers.  What if the damn thing coughed or sneezed?

Griffin – Are you kidding me?!?  This ugly bitch was far too disturbing to bring into the new world.

Pegasus – Too damn proud of their wings.  They would just fly too far from the boat only to tire out and fall to the water below.  Why bother bringing them on at all?

Giraffe – Wait, they made the cut?… Huh…

Sirens – Okay, seriously, shut the hell UP!  Far too annoying to listen too, and who knew how long they would be out at sea, no reason to add that soundtrack to the already horrible journey.

Cyclops – With only one eye, they weren’t really going to be good navigators.  Also, they were cannibalistic, so Noah thought that might make things awkward.

Fairies – An elephant accidentally stepped on them on the way up the ramp to the ark.  Oops.  The fairies’ last act of revenge was to curse the elephant with a giant phallic nose.

Sphinx – A person can only listen to so many riddles before enough is enough.  Plus, they were trying to give riddles to the other animals and not allowing passage to the ark without a correct answer.  Noah wanted to be the sole decider of who made it onto the ark.

Minotaur – The moron got lost in the labyrinth.  The flood didn’t wait for him.

Well, I hope this enlightens some.  It is the only explanation that makes any sense.  Most of these former creatures of the earth missed out on the ark due to their physical disabilities (there weren’t any laws passed yet to avoid these types of issues… and they were animals…) or their own douche-baggery, plain and simple.  This brings up a good point.  Noah was really the first to implement Charles Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” idea.

P.S. Just a side thought, Noah’s Ark had to be the worst possible time and place to be a third wheel…

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Filed under humor, Thoughts

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