Monthly Archives: June 2012

Fried Veggies

I must say I am quite confused by the idea of fried vegetables: broccoli, cauliflower…  Who are these people trying to kid?  I will tell you who: no one.  These little fried pieces of hell fail on all accounts.  They don’t taste good.  They arent healthy (oh and would you like some nacho cheese to dip those in?)  Uh, no thank you.  If I am going to kill myself slowly with fried foods I am going to at least enjoy the ride.  When I see these on a menu I want to ask the waitress “You guys realize they have fried Twinkies now right?  They’re wayyy better.”  People try to say, “well, it’s better for you than a fried Twinkie.”  Ok, first, name something that isn’t.  Second, you know after you choke down a few pieces of cheesy fried green forest, you are just thinking, “Ugh, I wish I had a fried Twinkie to wash this down with. How did I think this would taste good?” Anyone who says they actually like the taste is a damned liar.  And anyone who says it’s not too bad for you is a damned moron.  My true opinion is that the ONLY appeal of vegetables is that they are healthy (if you got the same nutritional value from pizza and beer that we do vegetables, what do you think people would be eating?)  Well, fried vegetables ruined the one thing vegetables had going for them.  Whoever thought that wonderful idea up needs to realize it’s time to go ahead and throw in the towel here.


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Filed under humor

Death of Lifetime

I enjoy messing with people.  It is humorous and enjoyable.  I like to play pranks or make jokes at other’s expense.  Comedic timing is everything in order for a joke to be well appreciated.  However, I have had my fair share of ill-timed jokes.  I have had many of those “too soon” jokes that were definitely too soon.  For example, I make fun of Michael Jackson any opportunity that I get, and his whole death did not and will never stop me from cashing in on jokes at his expense.  I’m like a kid in a candy shop, and I have a hard time from holding myself back from a comment that is all too inappropriate for the situation.  I see an opportunity and just want to pounce on it.  With this, I feel that I have come up with the ultimate prank that will be remembered by my family and friends for many years to come.

            It has to do with my future funeral (hopefully that is like 9 million years away!).  I plan on being put in the casket with my eyes WIDE OPEN.  That’s right, no closed eyes for this guy.  Every funeral I have heard about always has the eyes of the dead closed.  And I see no reason for this. 


***Okay, I will let some biology nerd go check their textbook and find some reason why this would not work.  I am thinking that perhaps the eyes would dry out and not have the lively, glassy feeling that we have all come to know and love in each other?  But if you do have your bio book out, please do some fact checking for me (check chapter 7).  If that is what truly happens, then I will just hire Ben Stein to stand next to my casket and pore some Clear Eyes liquid (how about that for free advertising?) in every so often to keep them in good shape.***


You finished checking?  Good, I can continue now.  So why do I want my eyes open?  I want to freak people out, simple as that.  I even want my eyes tilted so it looks as if I am looking at people out of the corner of my eye.  They can then think to themselves as they pay their respects, “Is he still alive?  Is this some big joke?  When will he pop up and say ‘Gotcha ya’?”


It will be awesome and then when they put me in the ground for the final time, I hope that people are still wondering if I am still alive, “Did they just bury him alive?  Wow, he is committed to that joke.  Good for him.”


So there is my reasoning for being buried with my eyes open.  It will be nothing more than a great big joke!  Let me know if you have any weird plans to freak people out at your funeral, I would love to hear them.  Maybe one of you will keep your hand in the air so all your friends can give you one last high-five?  Maybe you will have an urn tucked under your arm?  People will freak out over that one, thinking “What did he burn?  Check for his legs, maybe he didn’t want to burn his whole body, Joe could never make up his mind.”


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