Author Archives: knuggetsofknowledge

Lazy Fortunes

I think people used up Confucius’s good sayings far too early in the fortune cookie world. I’m not certain if the ones inside these little treats are from the days when he became old and senile or if he came back as a ghost at the fortune cookie factory and said “You know what, just write whatever the hell you want. You are butchering my ideas anyway.” Fortunes should begin with something like the following:
You will enjoy…
You will be…
You are going to…

I’m sick of having my fortune written by some half-witted chump who thought it would be profound to say:
Friends are good.
You enjoy fun.
Your parents love you.

Seriously? Maybe those aren’t direct quotes but you get the idea. Give me something to work with. I would rather have someone go all out and make some wild-ass guess about my life, like “You will be attacked by a pack of wooly mamoths in January of 2020” or even “You will choke on this fortune cookie. Make sure someone knows Heimlich maneuver” and have it be wrong than to get the most generic statements possible. That way, if it turned out to be right I would be like “HOLY CRAP!” I would do well as a fortune cookie writer.

UPDATE: I finally got a real fortune in my cookie! Accurate? I’ll let you decide…

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Fried Veggies

I must say I am quite confused by the idea of fried vegetables: broccoli, cauliflower…  Who are these people trying to kid?  I will tell you who: no one.  These little fried pieces of hell fail on all accounts.  They don’t taste good.  They arent healthy (oh and would you like some nacho cheese to dip those in?)  Uh, no thank you.  If I am going to kill myself slowly with fried foods I am going to at least enjoy the ride.  When I see these on a menu I want to ask the waitress “You guys realize they have fried Twinkies now right?  They’re wayyy better.”  People try to say, “well, it’s better for you than a fried Twinkie.”  Ok, first, name something that isn’t.  Second, you know after you choke down a few pieces of cheesy fried green forest, you are just thinking, “Ugh, I wish I had a fried Twinkie to wash this down with. How did I think this would taste good?” Anyone who says they actually like the taste is a damned liar.  And anyone who says it’s not too bad for you is a damned moron.  My true opinion is that the ONLY appeal of vegetables is that they are healthy (if you got the same nutritional value from pizza and beer that we do vegetables, what do you think people would be eating?)  Well, fried vegetables ruined the one thing vegetables had going for them.  Whoever thought that wonderful idea up needs to realize it’s time to go ahead and throw in the towel here.

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Old People

Old people have the good life.  They can get away with pretty much anything I have decided.  If an old guy lifts his leg and lets out a loud fart directed at his grandchild, the only thing anyone could say is, “Well, at least his bowels are still working.” If an old lady steals a movie from the video store, she may get a warning at best, but they will most likely just say “Aw, she doesn’t know any better. She’s just confused.”  We all know they aren’t going to be around forever, so we feel the need to let a lot of stuff slide.  They could say the meanest things about someone and all anyone could say is, “Oh don’t worry about it, he’s just a product of his generation.”  But I am on to their little sympathy game.  They do all these crazy things just to see how much they can get away with.  If I were old enough to get away with stuff, I would obviously do some crazy and obnoxious things as well, no matter how crude they may be.  I would be peeing on random things and taking whatever I pleased from people. ” Oh no, grandpa just has urinary incontinence and he forgets what is his and what isn’t.”  So if you’re old and you’re reading this, I know what you’re up to.  You aren’t fooling me.  Enjoy easy street while it lasts.

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Mythical Creatures that Didn’t Make the Cut on Noah’s Ark

When God decided to flood the earth, He chose Noah to build an ark and take two of each animal and put them on the ark.  But what happened to all of the creatures we often see in mythology and stories?  Well, today is your lucky day because I believe I’ve stumbled upon the answer for many of them.  What follows is a description of why each mythical being did not end up making the cut:

Unicorn – when they were making their way up to the ark, one ran into a tree and the horn pierced right through.  Noah knew that this could be an issue on a boat in the middle of the endless ocean.  Not to mention, seriously, you just run into a tree?  Definitely not smart enough to be in the post-flood world.  They were asked to leave.

Phoenix – Now, I did some research on this one and apparently only one can be alive at any given time.  Didn’t really fit the whole “2 per species” rule.  And, they are supposed to represent immortality… Noah and his natural curiosity wanted to test this theory.

Centaur – Half man, half horse… too confusing.  Stay in Fantasia where you belong, weirdo.

Mermaid – This was her territory… Noah told them to swim for it.

Dragon – Much like sharp horns, Noah knew that a wooden ark was not the best condition for fire breathers.  What if the damn thing coughed or sneezed?

Griffin – Are you kidding me?!?  This ugly bitch was far too disturbing to bring into the new world.

Pegasus – Too damn proud of their wings.  They would just fly too far from the boat only to tire out and fall to the water below.  Why bother bringing them on at all?

Giraffe – Wait, they made the cut?… Huh…

Sirens – Okay, seriously, shut the hell UP!  Far too annoying to listen too, and who knew how long they would be out at sea, no reason to add that soundtrack to the already horrible journey.

Cyclops – With only one eye, they weren’t really going to be good navigators.  Also, they were cannibalistic, so Noah thought that might make things awkward.

Fairies – An elephant accidentally stepped on them on the way up the ramp to the ark.  Oops.  The fairies’ last act of revenge was to curse the elephant with a giant phallic nose.

Sphinx – A person can only listen to so many riddles before enough is enough.  Plus, they were trying to give riddles to the other animals and not allowing passage to the ark without a correct answer.  Noah wanted to be the sole decider of who made it onto the ark.

Minotaur – The moron got lost in the labyrinth.  The flood didn’t wait for him.

Well, I hope this enlightens some.  It is the only explanation that makes any sense.  Most of these former creatures of the earth missed out on the ark due to their physical disabilities (there weren’t any laws passed yet to avoid these types of issues… and they were animals…) or their own douche-baggery, plain and simple.  This brings up a good point.  Noah was really the first to implement Charles Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” idea.

P.S. Just a side thought, Noah’s Ark had to be the worst possible time and place to be a third wheel…

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A Born Schemer

Ever since I was just a young buck, scheming has been  my forte.  Even at as young as ten years old, I can remember thinking of new ways to make money.  See, I realized very early that I liked stuff (particularly electronics) a lot; I also made the connection that in order to get that stuff I would have to exchange money for it, so it made sense that I needed to find ways to make money.  As it turned out, I also was very lazy, so I had to think of ways to make money without taking too much of a physical or mental toll on myself; this is how scheming came into play.

When I was younger and Beanie-Babies were such a hot item to buy, I found a book that made an estimate of how much these little critters would be worth by the year 2008.  It was published, so obviously it had to be true.  According to the book, almost all of them would be worth $60 or more.  Currently selling at about $10 each, that’s a 600% profit in 10 years!  I couldn’t make that in the stock market.  I bought those damn fuzzy animals like they were going out of style.  Little did I know at the time that they actually were.  Now I’m stuck with a big case of them sitting in my bedroom back home.

Anyway, next up came football cards.  Fun to collect, yes; profitable, probably not.  I have boxes and boxes of those sitting around my house now too, and I haven’t profited a dime from them.  Sure I’ve sold one here an there, but at the time, that money generally went right back into more cards.  Yet another sunken cost.

Several collections and pyramid schemes later, I’m still always on the lookout for easy ways to make money even now.  Old habits die hard.  What’s next in the world of scheming?  Hmm, maybe I’ll start a blog…  That’s bound to take off and make millions!

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Creative Chaos Award!

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Well, the day has finally come… Knuggets of Knowledge has been nominated for its first award.  This award is for those who think outside the norm.  First off, thank you to Anne Alias at Mark It Research for nominating us for this award.  Her blog about working at a call center is hilarious.  And there is bound to be a continuous supply of great stories and thoughts from the call center environment.  Anyway, here are the requirements for this prestigious award:

1.  You must tell 3 completely weird things about your habits.  If you claim to have no weird habits, you’re lying and we’ll have to send an investigative team for further analysis.

  • I have no weird habits.
  • I am a compulsive liar.
  • I will thwart any attempts at investigation into the first two.

2.  You must tell why you look at the “glass half full” scenario and ask “what? No coffee?”

  • I’m more of a soda man myself.

3.  Complete one the following essay questions:  A.  You find yourself in a desolate place when your car breaks down.  You have no cellphone service, no Walmart (I know, GASP, right?), and only a candy bar for food.  It is 150 miles to the closest town.  What color are your pants and why?  B.  You find yourself having to ride an elevator quite frequently.  How do you pass the time to show off your creativity?

  • A. Well, I would think there may be no need for pants at that point.

4. Then you are to nominate 5 random people.  And the nominees are…

  • dampsquid – Absolutely hilarious.  I particularly enjoy the letters to people / objects.
  • Army Of Awesome People – Just as it says in their name…Awesome.  All sorts of great posts to peruse through.
  • iliketheworldfuzzy – I came across this blog the other day and found it to be quite entertaining.
  • All that makes you… – Some very funny posts, and a very clever setup, separating out the posts into different sections for sad posts, funny posts, etc.
  • Krissy Krabtree – Very thought-provoking.  Reading through this blog can be very entertaining.

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Dreamcatchers

Why have dreamcatchers become popular? I highly doubt that their original function is currently being utilized by the majority of their owners. People probably don’t say, “Hey, I’m going to go do a dance outside and see if it rains. And then I will go to bed under my dreamcatcher and let it suck the bad dreams from my brain”. People just hang them anywhere now anyway, ignoring any possibility of using it for it’s inherent function. I saw one hanging on a rear view mirror in their car the other day. Are these people doing a lot of sleeping on the dashboard? “Jimmy, take the wheel. Daddy’s going to crawl up under the windshield here and get some shut eye”.

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