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The Five People You Meet in a Fast-Food Restaurant

I am a self-proclaimed expert in this area, so you can take this for what it is worth.  But allow me to enlighten you on the intricacies of the fast-food restaurant model.  I have worked at 2 such restaurants in my life, and I quickly noticed patterns that emerged at both.  Every single one of these restaurants, whether they serve burgers, burritos, tacos, or chicken, has the same 5 types of workers.  Now, you may not encounter all these workers on any given day when you go in to get your “heart attack in a bowl” but if you have the great fortune (or ill-fortune?) to work for one of these great establishments you are bound to run into them.  In both restaurants that I worked in (I will not reveal these fine dining places for fear of retribution, but you can get burgers at one and pizzas at another, did I give away too much?  I hope not, but Herman Cain was never my boss, so there is another little nugget of a hint to help you key in on the answer and thankfully I was allowed to have things my way at the other, shit, that might have actually been too good of a hint, but regardless, you should probably go back and read what was written before the beginning of the parentheses as you may have forgotten my lead in to this epic sentence, as I already have!) I worked with all types of characters and thankfully I encountered all 5 workers during my tenure at both.

Now, I see this as a glorious occurrence in my life.  I have since worked with countless other workers and I can tell you that these 5 types keep reappearing in many different industries.  But since my first job was in the fast-food industry, I would like to think that the attributes of the workers originated here.  You may have been one of those lucky few silver-spoon-in-the-mouth-upon-birth babies, but I believe that most of my target audience has worked in some sort of a fast paced restaurant environment.

The five that I am going to discuss are not the only 5 types of employees that you will work beside or encounter running the cash register, but most employees I believe can fit into any of these molds.  Honestly, I did have one planned for the original 5 but I felt that it may have been way to offensive.  Now, for the following 5, I did not treat anyone special and each person could be equally offended if they fall into one of these categories, but that is not my problem.  I like to think of myself as one of the top rate journalists out there (watch out Connie Chung, the young guns are making their move) so I will attempt to stick to the pure facts of the case (please note, I never majored in journalism and have actually struggled to write good crap in graduate school, honestly, I am not sure how I actually got accepted in the first place, I would like to think that my Catholic background had something to do with it).  I am only going to report on what I have witnessed.  So, obviously, there may be more to add to this list but I like the title and it worked well for another book, so ipso facto ergo yada yada yada I present to you:

The Five People You Meet in a Fast-Food Restaurant

1. The Content

This is a worker that has no intentions of moving up or down in the world.  They are completely content on staying in their position until they retire.  Sure, they may have the skill to move up to middle-management, upper management, or even ownership, but why?  The motivation is spent elsewhere and they are fine with the money they make.  I have respect for these people, because more often than not, they are very happy in life.  I wish others could find this type of solace and peace in their life.  I know of a few CEOs/Presidents/Managers that would have done well never going after the promotion (ahh, personal memories).  Some people just suck at work after they get a promotion, so I applaud these people that understand there is more to life than succeeding in business.

2. The Intent

Alright, I was pretty nice with that first worker, but now it may get a little ugly.  Remember that CEO/President/Manager that I referenced earlier?  Yeah, these are the Intents.  They think they are going to rule the world someday and for now, they are just biding their time until the opportunity arises.  However, these idiots are barely qualified for their current job, and some deserve to be demoted or fired right now.  I cannot stand these types of workers.  All they ever talk about is how they are going to go back to school, get more training, take a class, or they just read some new self-help book and now they think they are qualified to discuss economics.  But the fact is that they are not qualified to move up in the world; they deserve to stay right where they are at and let other people elevate.  Often a quote from one of them will go something like this, “Yeah, I plan on opening my own store in the next couple of years, but with this down economy and the stock market crash of forever ago, I may have to wait a few more years” or “Yeah, the reason I am still working here is because…”  Usually, you don’t have to wait for them to finish the sentence because it is likely a stupid reason.

These idiots are the first to blame their bad luck on everything but themselves.  Is it unfortunate that their plans did not work out?  Yeah, but if they could just be content with life, then maybe things will go smoother in the future.

3. The Passer-By

Now this is the person that will go places in life.  They are not going to stay in this role for long so you better get to know them quick.  In my experience, these have always been the people that are working part time and devoting the other half of their life to school, or another career.  These people will do something with their lives and strive to move up in the world.  They have both the motivation and the skill to do it.  The Intents should look to these people for a model plan of how to succeed (however, I think they would just chalk the success up to luck).  The Passer-Bys are gung-ho about trying new things and learning from others.  In a few short months they will be onto some other adventure or new career.  In this category, I would also place all the “starving artists” of the world (musicians, actors/actresses, etc.) because even though not all are going to succeed in their hopeful life path, at least they are giving it their all.

Also, these individuals understand that luck is rare but opportunities are constant.  Even if they fail 99 times they will try again.  I have had the opportunity to meet some of these individuals throughout my short life and I am glad to have had that opportunity.  They piss excellence in the morning and drink success at night.  These individuals are usually the first to fail and the first to rise back up.  Hopefully, all of you out there reading this fall into the Passer-By category.

4. The Peaker

This one might get a little offensive as well for some people.  The Peakers have hit the highest rung as far as the personal accomplishment ladder is concerned.  Now, hopefully all the people that do peak are at the highest actual level of the business as possible (CEO, President, owner) but this is likely not the case.  I met a guy that had peaked at the pizza restaurant I worked at, and even that job may have been a little too much for him.  But the nice thing about these individuals is that they understand that they have peaked.  They do not go for challenging promotions or volunteer their time for more than they can handle.  I love working with these type of people, because you are either striving to top them or do not have to compete with them.

5. The Promoter

Last but not least, I present to you the Promoter.  This individual (I have worked with 2 in my life) love the crap out of the business or restaurant they work for.  A Promoter cook at McDonald’s will bash the shit out of Burger King.  A Promoter cashier at Target would never be caught buying groceries at Wal-Mart.  These individuals live and die for their respective company and nothing you can say or do will ever change that.  Even if the CEO/President/Manager is running the organization into the ground, they will be there to back them 100%.  In some cases, a Promoter is a good type of worker.  If you own your own business you better be a promoter or if you are in line to take over then you should be as well.  However, if you are so far down the totem pole that you when you Google your name and the business logo doesn’t appear on the first page of image results, then you should not be a Promoter!  These individuals have a grossly twisted thought process about their status in the company and I encourage all the readers out there (hopefully someone is reading this, as it is already 5 pages on Microsoft Word and I still have some to write, and that may not seem long to someone like George R. R. Martin but it is to me) to never be a promoter (again, unless of course you own or are about to run the company)!



Now, I have given you the 5 people you will meet in a fast food restaurant, but remember that these 5 types of workers appear in every office around the world.  You will never escape them and hopefully you are comfortable in your actual role in the business world.  Can you guess which role I fall into?


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A Sphincter’s Memoir

Who the fuck decided that it would be a great idea to make printed toilet paper? I mean, do the printed lines make the toilet paper more streamlined so that when people go to wipe their ass they will meet little wind resistance. If people are meeting a strong headwind down there then they better go see a doctor or make sure they haven’t mistaken a possible poop for nothing more than an airy fart. And what is up with these cute little shapes they are putting on them now? I just recently took a poop and used some TP that had little printed hearts on them. I’m pretty sure when I went to wipe my ass my anal sphincter wasn’t thinking, “Boy, I hope he’s got those cute hearts today, or else I’m not giving up this shit. It is way too hard to make these days.”
These companies are better off just making toilet paper that does nothing more than remove poop. I feel bad for those artists that were given the task of designing the poop-bound material. What did they do in art class to deserve this job? Did some recruiter take a look at their resume and think to themselves, “You know, he may not be fit for painting the windows at Burger King, but I think Charmin needs a new artist.” They should not feel honored. They better take a good look at themselves when they go home tonight. They did not benefit society in any way. It is a useless concept, and we should go back to the good old days of white toilet paper. We should be excited about 2-ply and not about the useless drawings that are headed into the darkest of all places: the anal sphincter.

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Parade of Excellence

Remember the awesome 4th of July parades that we all attended as youngsters? We were little kids running around trying to scrape up as much candy goodness as possible. We all knew which floats to avoid and which ones to follow down the road. But the best part of it all was that we learned a little thing called strategy early on in our short lives. So here is a little list of parade etiquette and strategy points:

1. Never be caught dead sitting on your mom or dad’s shoulders. Are you kidding me? Those were the idiotic kids that ended up with all the Honey-Os during clean up. Sure you got a great point of view of the parade and could see forever down the street as to what was upcoming, but in reality you were just a kid being used at that point. I remember I used to post up near those kids on their parent’s shoulders just so I knew what was coming down the line. They would provide some great intel and I would promise that they could play with my Mega-Zords next time I invited them over (knowing full well they were never laying a finger on my Power Rangers). For example, they may tell me that for the next 2 blocks all that was upcoming were a couple of high-school bands. I knew, right then, that I could high-tail it up the street and follow the float of old ladies. I don’t know who they represented, but they always had some A+ candy in those little sacks of theirs.

2. Stand with a cute girl. For some reason, all the float people loved the cute little girls. It may have been due to a pedophile thing, but whatever, it’s called sacrifice at this point. Who knew that this was the first form of pimping that people engaged in (am I right?). The odds are in the girl’s favor that nothing bad is going to happen to them once those men get off the floats. Also, women love the cute little girls because it probably reminded them of a time when they were younger (some bullshit like that I suppose).

3. If neither of the above are options, always position yourself next to the fat kid. They were the ultimate candy whores. First off, you always saved your energy and did not have to chase after floats. Fat kids will do everything in their power to remain still at all times. Secondly, I think all those people on the floats felt sorry for them. Literally, they would just dump gobs of candy at these kids. And it was always of the best quality (Snickers, Reeses, Milk Duds) and none of the crap (Almond Joys, no thanks I’d rather scratch my ass and sniff my fingers). And the best part of it all was that they could never get to the candy in time. Those stumpy little legs of theirs only allowed them to get what was in their immediate area. Words of caution to all the little tykes out there though, if you are going to take advantage of the fat kid, never enter their invisible bubble. You will lose a finger and the very least be bit by them. They usually do not have the decency to take the wrappers off first. Just go for the pieces that are just out of reach and you should be fine. Now if you follow all these suggestions, there is no stopping you! You will be the envy of the neighborhood.

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