Tag Archives: Just for Fun

Fried Veggies

I must say I am quite confused by the idea of fried vegetables: broccoli, cauliflower…  Who are these people trying to kid?  I will tell you who: no one.  These little fried pieces of hell fail on all accounts.  They don’t taste good.  They arent healthy (oh and would you like some nacho cheese to dip those in?)  Uh, no thank you.  If I am going to kill myself slowly with fried foods I am going to at least enjoy the ride.  When I see these on a menu I want to ask the waitress “You guys realize they have fried Twinkies now right?  They’re wayyy better.”  People try to say, “well, it’s better for you than a fried Twinkie.”  Ok, first, name something that isn’t.  Second, you know after you choke down a few pieces of cheesy fried green forest, you are just thinking, “Ugh, I wish I had a fried Twinkie to wash this down with. How did I think this would taste good?” Anyone who says they actually like the taste is a damned liar.  And anyone who says it’s not too bad for you is a damned moron.  My true opinion is that the ONLY appeal of vegetables is that they are healthy (if you got the same nutritional value from pizza and beer that we do vegetables, what do you think people would be eating?)  Well, fried vegetables ruined the one thing vegetables had going for them.  Whoever thought that wonderful idea up needs to realize it’s time to go ahead and throw in the towel here.


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Mythical Creatures that Didn’t Make the Cut on Noah’s Ark

When God decided to flood the earth, He chose Noah to build an ark and take two of each animal and put them on the ark.  But what happened to all of the creatures we often see in mythology and stories?  Well, today is your lucky day because I believe I’ve stumbled upon the answer for many of them.  What follows is a description of why each mythical being did not end up making the cut:

Unicorn – when they were making their way up to the ark, one ran into a tree and the horn pierced right through.  Noah knew that this could be an issue on a boat in the middle of the endless ocean.  Not to mention, seriously, you just run into a tree?  Definitely not smart enough to be in the post-flood world.  They were asked to leave.

Phoenix – Now, I did some research on this one and apparently only one can be alive at any given time.  Didn’t really fit the whole “2 per species” rule.  And, they are supposed to represent immortality… Noah and his natural curiosity wanted to test this theory.

Centaur – Half man, half horse… too confusing.  Stay in Fantasia where you belong, weirdo.

Mermaid – This was her territory… Noah told them to swim for it.

Dragon – Much like sharp horns, Noah knew that a wooden ark was not the best condition for fire breathers.  What if the damn thing coughed or sneezed?

Griffin – Are you kidding me?!?  This ugly bitch was far too disturbing to bring into the new world.

Pegasus – Too damn proud of their wings.  They would just fly too far from the boat only to tire out and fall to the water below.  Why bother bringing them on at all?

Giraffe – Wait, they made the cut?… Huh…

Sirens – Okay, seriously, shut the hell UP!  Far too annoying to listen too, and who knew how long they would be out at sea, no reason to add that soundtrack to the already horrible journey.

Cyclops – With only one eye, they weren’t really going to be good navigators.  Also, they were cannibalistic, so Noah thought that might make things awkward.

Fairies – An elephant accidentally stepped on them on the way up the ramp to the ark.  Oops.  The fairies’ last act of revenge was to curse the elephant with a giant phallic nose.

Sphinx – A person can only listen to so many riddles before enough is enough.  Plus, they were trying to give riddles to the other animals and not allowing passage to the ark without a correct answer.  Noah wanted to be the sole decider of who made it onto the ark.

Minotaur – The moron got lost in the labyrinth.  The flood didn’t wait for him.

Well, I hope this enlightens some.  It is the only explanation that makes any sense.  Most of these former creatures of the earth missed out on the ark due to their physical disabilities (there weren’t any laws passed yet to avoid these types of issues… and they were animals…) or their own douche-baggery, plain and simple.  This brings up a good point.  Noah was really the first to implement Charles Darwin’s “survival of the fittest” idea.

P.S. Just a side thought, Noah’s Ark had to be the worst possible time and place to be a third wheel…

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Why have dreamcatchers become popular? I highly doubt that their original function is currently being utilized by the majority of their owners. People probably don’t say, “Hey, I’m going to go do a dance outside and see if it rains. And then I will go to bed under my dreamcatcher and let it suck the bad dreams from my brain”. People just hang them anywhere now anyway, ignoring any possibility of using it for it’s inherent function. I saw one hanging on a rear view mirror in their car the other day. Are these people doing a lot of sleeping on the dashboard? “Jimmy, take the wheel. Daddy’s going to crawl up under the windshield here and get some shut eye”.

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The Let-Me-Play Syndrome

There’s always one in every group…  The person who cannot be left out of anything.  They were the children in grade school who always wanted to play with the toy that you had at the time, not the one that they greedily snatched for themselves at the beginning of play time.  Why is it that they feel the need to be included in something, good or bad?  A friend gets in trouble, but this person gets let off the hook for the same thing and they stand there going “What the hell?   Why didn’t I get in trouble?”  They start to get paranoid, wondering if the teacher didn’t think they were worth the effort of putting them in timeout, or if the teacher even noticed them at all.  It festers in their brain and this illness gets worse and worse as they grow older.  They want to be “in the loop” for everything.  “Oh, Bob was fired, huh?  Can you explain why he was notified before me?” ; “What are you guys talking about?  Why won’t you tell me?  Are you talking about me?” ; “What are you guys doing?  Oh, lighting your hair on fire and chewing on gravel?  I could do that, let me try”.  It’s pure insanity.  Well I am here to tell these people that there are plenty of things that are good to NOT be included in:  prejudice and bigotry, drug abuse, the fan base of Everybody Loves Raymond… You see, this is what happens when you try to be included in too many things: one idiot decides they like something, and then other people (victims of the let-me-play syndrome) want to be included and begin to say that they, too, “like” the same thing even if they truly think it is stupid.  you see, that’s when we end up with things like Nickleback.  Here’s a solution.  Make all of these ailing people listen to “Something in Your Mouth” set to repeat for a solid hour and guess what… they will be cured!

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International Spies

Now this is a question that has truly plagued me for years. How in the world do they recruit for international spy jobs? I cannot imagine that the government has a spy career fair where applicants meet with all the agencies in need of spies. That would be chaos! Every single person would be trying to make an entrance to boost their reputation: people dropping from the air vents, driving cars through the giant window in the room, coming in dressed as a janitor only to take the fake mustache off thus revealing their true identity… you see what I mean? They can be sneaky, but they lack originality. I would, however, love to witness that train wreck, even though you wouldn’t be able to hear anyone talk due to the enormous amounts of martinis being shaken and not stirred. Seriously it doesn’t make a damn difference so stop making up stupid reasons to make a special order. Anyway, I think I’ve come up with the answer to the original question posed earlier; how do they recruit for international spy jobs? Giant international hide-and-seek contest. Last man not found wins the job. It’s the only thing that makes any sense.

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Runners Low

Often, the term “runner’s high” gets thrown around in everyday conversation. I think these people that are experiencing this so called ‘good feeling’ from running are pulling shenanigans. Why in the hell would anybody feel good while running? Sure you may feel as if you were being healthy, but I think this feeling is a conjured up hoax that runners everywhere developed so that common folk would feel as if they were missing out on something great. I’m not buying it though.

What I’ve gathered from my running experience: first, my legs hurt and I begin to sweat profusely. I start breathing hard and my muscles tense up.  It’s uncomfortable and quite boring. Now maybe if I was chasing after a ball or running from a deranged homeless person with a knife and a crack addiction, it may bring a little intrigue to the task. But nothing short of a miracle will ever make me believe that ‘runners high’ actually exists. I truly believe that runners are simply claiming to have this feeling even though they feel like death on the inside. And you know what, I am perfectly okay with feeling like a lazy asshole sitting on my couch and watching TV. So in a sense, I have achieved true ‘runners high’ and I didn’t even leave the couch.

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